my perfectly imperfect life

one of those days | 3.2.12

I had one of those days when I hate being a parent and I wonder if my relationship with my son is beyond repair. The look on his face when I took away his smoothie because I wanted him to take one bite of his dinner (he did not eat a single bite tonight) was nothing a mom wants to see from her son. He screamed, crumpled to the floor, cried for his dad, and shot me a look of disgust and fear. When I tried to take him to the bathroom (he hadn't gone in over 4 hours), he flailed about so much that he banged his head into the wall. Then when I attempted to brush and floss his teeth, he again started flailing about that he fell off the stepstool and bit the inside of his mouth until it bled. Even though he was so exhausted and needed to go to sleep, there was nothing I could do to get him to stay in bed. I gave up and let him just veg on the couch in the dark. I was emotionally spent and I still had to deal with his sister screaming in her highchair who witnessed all the above events. It's little wonder from where she is learning some of her bad behavior though her brother isn't solely to blame.

I have never seen Mx give my husband the nasty looks he gives me. He may be autistic but I am quite sure he has already formed a very negative opinion of me. I hate being the bad cop. I know his dad is jealous that I get to stay home all day with the kids but believe me, I am jealous that he gets to be the fun parent and the one who the kids are looking so forward to seeing every day when he comes home from work. True, RTB has been the one to issue most of the time-outs and has dealt with our kids' tantrums before, but he is not there at every meal, at  every crucial battle, at the times when the children are most impossible. By the time he comes home from work, much of the heavy fighting is over.

My children are only two and four so this is far from over. Today is one of those days when I wonder if I will make it. Before I became a parent, I think I was very judgmental of the mothers who drowned their kids, or took their own lives along with their children, or did something unfathomably horrible. But ever since having kids of my own, I now understand how those women snapped, how they behaved totally out of character, how they hurt themselves and their kids without realizing it. I pray I never reach that point but sometimes I really worry. After all, how many of those women also thought they would never in a million years do something like what they did?

Meanwhile I want my son to look at me one day with loving eyes and voluntarily say "I love you" to me and mean what he is saying. It's a pipe dream. Given his autism, I don't know if he will ever understand the things I do are for his good and because I love him so much. At least with my daughter, I am counting on the fact that she may not understand now the things I do, but one day she probably will know that my actions stem out of love. As for Mx, I don't know if he will ever comprehend things on such a level and because of that, I fear that he will always see me solely as the strict grown-up who forces him to do things he doesn't want to do.

let's try this again | 3.2.12

This is my second attempt to reboot my blog. The first time was a year ago at the beginning of 2011 but only lasted three entries. How embarrassing. I am really praying that I will fare better this time around.

As I have written before, it is not coincidental that I soon disappeared after posting my last official blog entry of my old blog the day we learned that our second child was going to be a girl. Just weeks earlier, we had found out that our first child was diagnosed with autism.

The diagnosis came at no great surprise to us. I had my suspicions starting back when Mx was only six months old. He had poor eye contact, didn’t respond to his name, wasn’t interested in people, didn’t know how to play with toys, and would stare blankly at objects for a long time even though at other times his attention span was very fleeting. Yet, there was a part of me which clung to the hope that I was wrong… I wanted so badly to be wrong.. to be over-paranoid… that he was simply delayed a bit (not enough to worry about)… I wanted someone to tell me that I just needed to stop comparing my son to others and that everything was going to be okay.

Unfortunately, I was right. I wasn’t just paranoid and Mx wasn’t just a little delayed. It was devastating news even though I was sort of prepared for it. I know devastating may sound like too harsh of a word, considering one of my husband’s cousins lost his beautiful seven-year old daughter to brain stem cancer at around the same time. (Now that is truly devastating.) Yet, it is how I felt.

Life just stopped for me in many ways that September 2009. Whatever free time I had went towards reading up on autism and ASD, scanning parent message boards, figuring out and carrying through our son’s therapy schedule, and sinking into despair and devastation. The little time left that I had devoted to my hobbies since our son was born became zilch. My social life dwindled to zero as suddenly all playdates with my son’s friends became replaced with his therapy sessions. His daily therapists became the only adults whom I regularly communicated with aside from my husband. I didn’t have the energy to write or call friends. I was hosting and participating in a weekly bible study at the time, but that was only for a few more months until our second child was born. I should have been blogging as an emotional release. However, I felt so overcome with emotions and with everything I wanted to say every time I sat down to blog that I just didn’t even bother to blog anymore. It was a very difficult, isolating time in my life.

At the same time, I was almost five months pregnant and just getting over my morning sickness symptoms that had lasted into my second trimester. I needed to take care of myself for my sake, for the baby’s and for my family, but I was barely holding it together. I felt like I couldn’t give Mx the attention he needed because I wasn’t feeling physically well most of the time. I knew that as a believer, I should not be so depressed but I couldn’t help it. Then I felt depressed and guilty for feeling depressed. It was a vicious cycle. I felt buried under layers of guilt… despite having the most wonderful, supportive husband who did everything he could to take care of me and make me feel better.

Mx is my husband’s son too and as such, I probably should not have felt as alone as I did. But as the stay-at-home parent and the more emotional one and the one with other autistic family members, the news hit me harder and it was my day-to-day reality and routine that was being overturned, and not his.

Meanwhile given that autism is more prevalent in boys than girls, finding out the gender of the baby I was carrying weighed very heavily on me. We had just learned the news about our son weeks earlier, so I was terrified of the possibility of finding out that our second child would be a boy too, and thereby increasing the chance that he would be on the spectrum as well. So when the radiologist announced that baby #2 was going to be a girl, a deep sense of relief and elation came over me. Now, I know there are girls with autism too, but I needed so badly to have something to be hopeful about. I knew that there still was a chance for my daughter also to be autistic and that remained a cloud over the rest of the pregnancy and into her few months of life. (However since then, I have not been the least bit concerned about my precocious little girl when it comes to autism. If anything, I have all sorts of different worries for her but that will be saved for another blog entry.)

So, yes, my life took a huge turn that September and I almost feel that it has taken all 2.5 years since that time for me to start feeling like myself again… that I am finally emerging from a dark, long tunnel. I am hoping that journaling/blogging again will be a step in the right direction. It once was something I truly enjoyed doing and it probably is something that will help me with all my pent up frustrations and challenges as a stay-at-home mother of an autistic preschooler and a precocious toddler. I also hope my blog will be a place where I can also celebrate the joys and triumphs of life, both small and large, and ultimately, it can be a recording of God’s goodness to my family and me.

happy 29th birthday | 3.25.11

I turned 29 for the 12th time this year.

No party. No cake. 

In fact there was nobody to celebrate it with except for my daughter because hubby and son were out of town at Disneyland of all places. We were supposed to be there too but both she and I got sick...she with an ear infection and fever, and me with a cold that simply won't go away. I was really looking forward to spending my birthday at the Happiest Place on Earth but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Funny thing is that we weren't even going to Disneyland for my birthday; we were going to L.A. for a family reunion on hubby's maternal side of the family. It just so happened that the reunion weekend was also my birthday weekend. 

So instead I spent my milestone birthday waking up at 3am to tend to a sick baby, wiping up vomit, and nursing my own bad cough. Between 5-5:30 this morning, C vomited two separate times all over herself and me. The second time was right after I had changed both of us into new outfits. Ugh. Fun, fun, fun!

But don't feel bad for me. I did some serious retail therapy over the weekend. Also, as a belated birthday and early Mother's Day present to myself, I just bought tickets to Hugh Jackman's concert in San Francisco in May. And as someone who has struggled with singlehood, loneliness, and infertility, I am so grateful that I am happily married to a wonderful giving man and I am a mother of two beautiful children. My great life is the best birthday present I could possibly have.

three | 1.15.11

My son turned three today. I can still remember clearly the day he was born... how I labored for 24 hours following an induction, pushed for over an hour, and then delivered via cesarean section. I remember seeing him for the first time in complete disbelief that he was mine... that he came out of me... that I was now a mother. I remember how small he was, how fragile, how helpless, and how inadequate and frightened I felt that I was in charge of caring for this precious life.

But here he is, by the grace of God...three years later, alive and kicking. I have loved watching him grow up and to know that I am the only person who has been with him every day of his life is mind-boggling. Sure, there are days where I start wishing there was a return policy with kids (what mother hasn't thought the same thing at some point?), but overall I can say that nothing has brought me as much joy as being a mother.

Current Tidbits about Mx

• Loves his lovey, Blue and cannot sleep without it (We tried buying a second one, but Mx can tell the difference and only wants the original)
• Sings from the moment he gets up to when he goes to bed (Has an extensive song repertoire)
• Has a remarkable knack for learning new songs (He can usually pick up the tune and most of the lyrics after only hearing a new song a couple times)
• Recently has started to say "cheese" and flash a wide, fake smile whenever he sees a camera (He used to never notice when we were taking photos)
• Loves riding in the car (long car trips are no problem for Mx)
• Usually ignores his little sister until she starts playing with something he is interested in
• Some of his current favorite videos include: Sesame Street: Learning About Letters, Hip Hop Baby series, Blue's Clues
• Has started to obsessively point out and say the word "ceiling" multiple times a day (It sounds like "ceiling-na")
• Enjoys having his hair blow-dried
• Favorite holes: drains, vents, vacuum cleaner, speakers, ceiling (can stare at them for hours if we let him)
• Favorite books: Kiss Kiss, Baby Beluga, Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
• Doesn't like the swing or amusement park rides unless a parent rides with him (even the merry-go-round isn't always a hit -- some days he wants to ride it; other times not)
• Loves being tickled and chased
• Is a thumb sucker (mostly when he's tired or stressed)
• Very picky eater (diet consists mainly of pasta, bread, and more pasta)
• Was an amazing sleeper until he turned 31 months old (now sleeps with the door open, gate locked, and nightlight on)
• Has a pretty good memory for names and faces
• Average height and super skinny for his age (wears 18 months to 3 year pants due to small waist size)
• Looks probably more like daddy than me
• Has become more affectionate especially to me in the last few months

thank you 2010 | 1.2.11

2010 was a tough year for me -- the adjustment to being a mother of two, the lack of sleep, the constant worry over Mx's development delays... Just when I really need to be in a bible study, be immersed in God's Word and be reminded of His promises, I am not able to attend our weekly community group. Due to our son's therapy schedule, I am also unable to attend Bible Study Fellowship and our church's Moms' Group meetings, as well as playgroups. Thus, life has been quite isolating. To compensate, I have found myself chatting more with the cashiers at the grocery stores. I don't want to know what those people think of me.

So I am working on accepting that this is how it has to be for now...not forever...but just for this stage of life. Eventually, the children will be older, there won't be naptimes or super early bedtimes to work around, and I will be able rejoin a bible study and meet up with friends more regularly again. So to combat the slightly depressed state I seem to be battling these days, I am going to try a gratitude page. If it's one thing I need, it's a more thankful heart. I complain waaaaay too much. I am hoping that being more grateful for things big and small will cultivate a deeper sense of contentment, and ultimately a deeper trust in my relationship with God. I have tried this before but hopefully, writing them down on this gratitude page will hold me more accountable to keeping it up. We'll see how this goes.